TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by almost 5,000 happy wine drinkers every prime time hour, has just learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, has decided on yet another revenue-generation strategy to justify its existence and to bring in new dollars to the Liberal Government coffers.
Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.
Fresh intel suggests that the "still-to-be-verified-by-hacked-voicemail-messages" strategy will supposedly involve such things as:
-selling ANY wine made in the world in the
-increasing the number of Vintages offerings, both in wines and in frequency, to accommodate the new selling rules. What is now a bi-weekly release of some 120 wines will soon become a weekly release of some 1200 wines, followed by a DAILY release in 2012, probably offering 500 new wines each day. Importers will be expected to clear and sell out their wines within 14 days, to create space for newer incoming labels. Said a spokesperson, "This should appease those scores of thousands of wine lovers who have been begging for new wines."
-requesting that wine writers either pay a Friday Casual Day donation to the LCBO or wear a suit, with white shirt and tie. Ladies must wear cocktail dresses. Newer rules, to accommodate tasting 2500 new wines a week in 2012, will be promulgated later, and may involve overnight stays which will be billed to the wine writer.
-selling advertising on the brown liquor and wine bags.
-charging wine writers $10 for every day they taste and record wine notes on their laptops in the LCBO sensory labs. The LCBO has never charged for electricity before, but recent building brown-outs have been attributed to media charging their batteries with free electricity. Said a spokesperson, "This bit of gravy has been at taxpayer expense and it must stop."
-audio broadcasting of wine commercials in LCBO stores;
-initiating Drive-Through Liquor Stores in heavily urbanized areas.
The strategy will be implemented after the Civic Holiday weekend, and should generate several millions of Liberal dollars ahead of the October 6 election.
More on this story as it happens