Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Liquor Boards to License Wine Writers in Canada

This just in from WNS (Weird News Service) --
TORONTO -- (WNS) --  The Liquor Control Boards of Canada has today announced that
it will begin licensing alcohol beverage writers in Canada. A spokesman for the LCBs,
who asked to be nameless, said that this would be yet another source of revenue for the
coffers of the provincial governments. "We like to grab a lot of money from the alcohol
beverage industry. It makes us feel good, and it pads our bottom line."
Exemptions would be made, of course, for those writers who contribute to the government's own
"Food and Drink" and "Cellar" magazines. But other publications such as "Toronto Life", "Tidings",
"Vines" , "TAPS" and "Wine Access" would be forced to hire only licensed wine
writers or writers from other countries.  Newspapers and broadcasters will also have to
apply for licensed writer status.
Accreditation would be essential, according to the government. There will be no
grandfathering. Each writer would have to pay to take an online course, which is
several weeks in duration, followed by a comprehensive fault and flaw analysis tasting,
followed by a tasting of Ontario and BC wines (not necessarily VQA and not necessarily grapes).
Beer and spirit writers will have their own nosing programs.
Those who succeed in these endeavours will be invited to take the test which is a
necessary prelude to the licensing process.  There will be testing fees and annual levies
assessed for membership. It is also anticipated that the liquor boards will receive a 15% royalty
on all alcohol beverage writing fees, but it is unclear whether these funds will come from
the publication or from the writer or, as in the case of wine auctions, from both.
All writing about alcohol in Canada must be submitted to the provincial Quality Assurance
Laboratories for controls over the expressions in writing and the actual tasting notes, for a
fee. Any re-submissions, extra proofreading, and heavy copyediting will be assessed a
separate fee, which must be paid by the writer and not the publication.
When asked about photographs, the spokesperson denied their existence. "We get
all our shots from stock libraries". When asked about blogging, he said that
"Everybody blogs. Nobody has any time to read any of them…we really don't care."
Administration of the provincial programs will need some co-ordination, and is expected to take up some time, perhaps employing over 100 civil servants in the operation.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Sunday, November 21, 2010

CWHFA (kwee-fah) to form new Early Departure Committee

It was announced earlier today that the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association will be setting up a new committee, called the Early Departure Committee.
This has been in response to many complaints from the wine industry that CWHFA (pronounced: quee-fah) members were accepting invites but then leaving tastings at an early hour.
Said the Prez of the CWHFA (pronounced: quee-fah), "Too many of our members have been taking advantage of the lax mood of the wine industry. They RSVP, turn up on time, sit around (or stand around) waiting for non-CWHFA members to arrive, and then just take off as soon as they can, usually just after the main course. Indeed, we  have noticed some members ordering coffee just after the soup. This has just all got to stop."
The EDC may, of course, refer the matters over to the Ethics Commitee which may then issue one or more "Certificates of Dispensation" to the appropriatre parties upon proper payment of fees.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

New iPhone App to announce wine functions for CWHFA members.

The CWHFA (pronounced: quee-fah) is happy to announce that it has developed a new iPhone application for its members. The app is free, but you must be a member of the CWHFA group in order to download and access it.
It's being seen by many as a major perk of membership.
The app, called Wino Function, has been developed with the co-operation of the wine industry. Simply put: your iPhone will beep continuously starting at 20 minutes before the beginning of any wine function in the GTA. Or, if you live in the Canadian hinterland of Lake Erie, Winnipeg, Halifax, or Prince Rupert, the beeps will start 20 minutes before any wine function in your own area or region. The beeps are bilingual, but closely match the harmonics of "How Dry Am I?"
By picking up the phone, you will receive a text message itemizing details of the upcoming tasting. Depending on where you are at the time, you may never be late for another tasting again.
It is considered a boon for those who attend several functions a day, because in addition to the announcement of the next upcoming tasting, there will always be a handy list of excuses for an early departure from a currently happenng tasting.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Membership Dues Rise from Zero to $25 for Quee-Fah

GOSH Wine News Services -- Breaking story -- The introductory period of FREE membership in the new CWHFA (pronounced quee-fah) has passed.


The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association welcomes all sommeliers, consultants, and bloggers to join us for the ridiculous rate of $25 a year. Our only stipulation is that they not be paid any money directly by wine producers or trade associations. Barter and trade, free samples, trips, and the like are okay alternatives, and welcomed. Our wine suppliers do not send out single bottle samples; they only send out full cases of the product. That's a magnanimous dozen bottles of a single wine to try with every conceivable food choice. Plus, through our exclusive contacts at the liquor boards of Canada, we guarantee total access to the tasting labs for the new releases...with no cap on numbers!!.


Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Sunday, October 24, 2010

CWHFA (Kwee-fah) initiates Certificate of Dispensation.

The new Ethics Committee of the CWHFA (pronounced Quee-fah) has decided to move ahead with allowing its members to have a conflict of interest or even the appearance of a conflict of interest.
But there are two stipulations: there must be a "Certificate of Dispensation" granted by the Ethics Committee; and this granting can only happen once a month.
The "Certificate of Dispensation", based on the Roman Catholic Church sliding scale of fees for dispensations, will be $100 for RCs, $150 for others, and $200 for atheists. The Ethics Committee will collect the fees and turn them over to the General Slush Fund (GSF) operated by the CWHFA.
All of this must still be finalized by the National Executive, but the CWHFA PR spokesperson suggested that would not be a problem. When asked, he said, "No problem".
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Friday, October 15, 2010

Education Courses announced by CWHFA (Kwee-fah)

Today, CWHFA (pronounced: quee-fah) has announced that it will begin offering wine courses through its Education Committee.
The Committee has determined that its first series of consumer education courses will focus on a "Master of Wine Writing" Advanced Level Certificate. Said the Committee Chair, "There's the MW (Master of Wine), and the MS (Master Sommelier). So why not an MWW -- Master of Wine Writing?"
It's a self-referential series of courses. All the basics of wine, all the basics of journalism, all the basics of hackery, all the basics of flackery -- these will be covered over a two year period. And the coverage will be intense.
The main objective is to self-perpetuate the CWHFA. Through the MWW program, the group will be assured of a continual stream of new members.
One of the entry-level courses is the mastery of "The Faint Praise Index".
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Membership rising, but we need more writers from outside the GTA

There are now over 45 members in the CWHFA (quee-fa) organization. Unfortunately, just about all of them are in the GTA. I say this because we are a NATIONAL group, and we'd like more members on a NATIONAL basis.
We want to be from "sea unto sea", so that we can begin our national mandate.
Take a minute to consider our cause: join us if you live outside the GTA.
Regardless or origin, once we get 100 members, we can promulgate ourselves. That's promulgate, not flagellate or fellatiogate.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tudor's FaintPraise Index c2002

c2002 by Dean Tudor. All rights reserved.
Tired of having to wonder what to say about a nice, but not exciting,
At a loss for words after the initial vagueness of "floral"/"berry"/"aromatic"
nose or "light mouthfeel" or "short finish" or "fairly priced"?
Need more descriptors for those wines you've just tasted, and rated
between 75 - 84 ?
THEN -- look no further than TUDOR'S FAINT PRAISE (75 - 84) TABLE,
which emphasizes the POSITIVE (believe it or not, it does!)
For a spin, you could use the French or Italian non-cognate translation
of the term, for that (wink-wink) cachet...
Dean Tudor, professional wordsmith and member of the Wine Writers'
Circle of Canada, has developed an incipient WHEEL of terms, divided into two
major categories -- and further subdivided into three SUM categories.
One: Phrases, subdivided into Standard, Useful, and Modest (the SUM of
Two: Words, subdivided into Standard, Useful, and Modest (the SUM of it
All of these words and phrases have been used by dozens of wine critics
in thousands of reviews of wines ranging from 75 - 84 points; the use of
French and Italian is my twist alone...
PLEASE send me any additions, comments, or changes: your input is vital
I: PHRASES (which can be modified to fit the situation)
   STANDARD (phrases):
        -  a la mode
        -  after a fashion
        -  all in a day's work
        -  all right
        -  as expected
        -  exhausts its possibilities
        -  follows the mean
        -  gets the best out of it
        -  goes on quietly
        -  in a manner...
        -  just short of...
        -  keeps to the middle
        -  makes the most of it
        -  manages well-enough...
        -  matter-of-course
        -  matter-of-fact
        -  mighty few
        -  more or less
        -  near enough...
        -  near you
        -  no surprises
        -  not in the least...
        -  on no account
        -  passes muster
        -  pretty good
        -  within bounds
   USEFUL (phrases):
        -  all-purpose
        -  does yeoman service
        -  drink now
        -  drinkable now
        -  find useful
        -  for everbody
        -  have a use for...
        -  have some use
        -  in constant use
        -  make use of...
        -  not bad
        -  of service
        -  performs a function
        -  suits one's purpose
        -  well-known
        -  well-meant
        -  well-priced
        -  worth drinking

   MODEST (phrases):
        -  avoids excess
        -  cut-out for...
        -  hints of...
        -  in character
        -  in fair condition
        -  in good condition
        -  in some measure
        -  in the region of...
        -  manages to...
        -  non-extreme
        -  not loud
        -  not to be taken for granted
        -  on the brink of...
        -  on the verge of...
        -  small-framed
        -  to a certain extent
        -  to some degree
        -  up to the mark
        -  well-framed
        -  within an ace of...
        -  within sight of...


        -  acceptable (It. gradevole)
        -  conventional (Fr. classique, conventionnel)
        -  correct (It. di buon gusto)
        -  customary (Fr. habituel, coutumier d'usage)
        -  decent (Fr. convenable, bienseant)
        -  everyday (Fr. quotidien)
        -  fair (Fr. moyen)
        -  familiar (Fr. amical)
        -  fine (Fr. raffine)
        -  genuine (Fr. sincere)
        -  generic
        -  honest (Fr. honnete)
        -  household (Fr. famille; It. famiglia)
        -  impartial
        -  innocent (It. semplice)
        -  innocuous
        -  interesting
        -  legitimate
        -  literal
        -  median (Fr. du milieu)
        -  mild (Fr. benin)
        -  moderate (Fr. modique)
        -  natural
        -  nice
        -  neat
        -  normal
        -  obvious (Fr. manifeste, evident)
        -  orthodox (Fr. bien pensant)
        -  passable (Fr. assez bon)
        -  pleasing (fr. aimable)
        -  positive
        -  proper (Fr. a propos)
        -  propitious (Fr. propice)
        -  real (Fr. vrai)
        -  refinement (Fr. bien eleve)
        -  regular (Fr. en regle)
        -  satisfactory
        -  simple (Fr. candide)
        -  solid (It. sodo)
        -  sound (Fr. robuste)
        -  standard
        -  straightforward (Fr. sans detour)
        -  subtle (It. sottile)
        -  telling (Fr. puissant, efficace)
        -  tolerable (It. sopportabile)
        -  traditional
        -  true
        -  typical
        -  uniform
        -  universal
        -  unpretentious
        -  unspecified
        -  unspoiled
        -  unstudied (It. spontaneo)
        -  unvarying
        -  usual (Fr. courant)
        -  veritable
        -  vinous

        -  accomodating (Fr. obligeant)
        -  adaptable (Fr. souple)
        -  adjustable (It. regolabile)
        -  amusing (Fr. drole; It. divertente spassoso)
        -  applicable (It. adattabile)
        -  approachable
        -  apt (It. atto, adato, capace)
        -  available (It. efficace)
        -  beneficial (Fr. avantageux, salutaire; It. vantaggioso)
        -  competent (Fr. apte)
        -  consumable
        -  contributory
        -  convenient (Fr. pratique; It. comodo)
        -  co-operative
        -  current (It. fiume)
        -  droll
        -  edifying
        -  effective
        -  effectual
        -  efficient
        -  favourable (It. propizio)
        -  friendly (Fr. amical)
        -  fun (Fr. plaisant)
        -  functional
        -  global
        -  handy
        -  healthy (Fr. bien portant)
        -  helpful (Fr. serviable, secourable)
        -  immediate (It. prossimo, vicino)
        -  likeable (Fr. agreable, apprecie, populaire; It. simpatico,
        -  multi-purpose
        -  obliging (It. compiacente, gentile, servizievole, cartece)
        -  popular (It. in voga, ben voluto)
        -  practical (It. fattibile)
        -  pragmatic
        -  quaffable (It. tracannare)
        -  ready (It. abile, pronto
        -  reasonable (It. ragionevole)
        -  refreshing (It. ristorare)
        -  reliable (It. fidato)
        -  representative
        -  salutary
        -  serviceable (Fr. utile)
        -  sensible (Fr. doue de bonsens)
        -  suitable (It. adatto)
        -  supporting (It. sostenere)
        -  trustworthy (It. fidato, sicuro)
        -  ubiquitous (It. omnipresente)
        -  unobjectionable
        -  unobnoxious
        -  usable (Fr. utilisable)
        -  useful (Fr. pratique)
        -  utilitarian
        -  valid (It. valevole)
        -  versatile
        -  wholesome (Fr. sain)
        -  worthwhile (It. valore, merito)
        -  worthy (Fr. digne)

        -  agreeable
        -  amicable
        -  appealing (It. supplichevole)
        -  aromatic
        -  attractive (It. attraente)
        -  calm (It. placido)
        -  charming
        -  clean
        -  comfortable (It. comodo)
        -  compact
        -  complaisant
        -  composed (Fr. assure)
        -  dainty (Fr. delicat; It. raffine)
        -  delicate
        -  detached
        -  dispassionate (It. imparziale)
        -  encouraging (It. incoraggiante)
        -  evanescent
        -  fetching
        -  forward (Fr. audacieux)
        -  fragile
        -  fragrant (It. odoroso)
        -  fresh
        -  fruity
        -  good
        -  graceful
        -  humble (Fr. modeste)
        -  hushed (It. far tacere)
        -  lean
        -  light (It. sparuto, scarno, smilzo)
        -  lightweight (Fr. leger)
        -  lively (Fr. vif en joue, plein d'entrain)
        -  mellow
        -  modest (Fr. sans pretention)
        -  muted
        -  original
        -  placid
        -  pleasant (It. gradevole, dilettevole)
        -  pliant
        -  polished (It. lucido)
        -  quiet (Fr. tranquille, paisable)
        -  rarefied
        -  restrained (It. restrizione)
        -  rounded (It. tondetto)
        -  scented
        -  self-effacing (Fr. amour-propre)
        -  slender (Fr. svelte)
        -  slight
        -  smooth (Fr. moelleux)
        -  soft (Fr. tendre, doux)
        -  steady (It. fermo, soldo)
        -  sure (It. sicuro)
        -  sustain (It. provare)
        -  tenuous
        -  tranquil
        -  underrated (It. svalutare)
        -  understated (Fr. minimise)
        -  undervalued (It. sminuire)
        -  unspoiled
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ripped from the Headlines

CanWine Hackers and Flackers deal with material that has been ripped from the headlines of the day. Send you comments today, to the comment form  below, for an application form!!  First come, first served!!
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at

Monday, September 27, 2010

For Newly Emerging Wine Writers

Hey guys and dolls, here's a NEW association for wine writers and bloggers. Currently, membership is FREE, although that may change. Stay tuned for developments.