Sunday, November 6, 2011

PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.


And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to Ontario.


Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.


In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.


Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).


More on this impending disaster as it happens…


Monday, October 31, 2011

Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.


Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.


One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.


Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"


The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.


"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this Great Province. The critics need to get on board during this time of economic recovery," said the Corporation.


The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."


More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens…

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be  a Wine Writer….


MWW I topics will include:


– how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- hoe to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;


The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

Chimo! AND


Sunday, July 31, 2011

Can Wine Hacks and Flacks Association to offer MWW designation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by up to 5,000 viewers every night, is pleased to offer, in conjunction with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, the beginning of a new online-television education relationship.


Beginning in Fall 2011, CWHFA (pronounced Kwee-Fah) will be offering through Foxy Wine News Network some new Master of Wine Writing courses leading to the M.W.W. degree (Master of Wine Writing). Kwee-Fah's Registrar said that these courses would not be similar to, nor lead to a Master of Wine or a Master Sommelier designation.


"Indeed", he said, "the MWW will be sitting over the MW and the MS. For one thing, it is one letter longer. For another, the MWW is concerned with writing about the same material that the MW and MS comprises, so the MWW has a more integrative construction of base materials.


"The MWW is a communication degree posited above the MW and the MS in interpretation. We will expound and expand on MW/MS materials and we will explain and demystify wine terms and concepts. The MWW will be able to fashion a credible, readable account of wines and wine tasting without resorting to a "sweaty saddles" or "kerosene" or "petrol" type of terminology. We'll lose such phrases as "Heavy-weight almost focused dessert wine. Whispers of cedar, structured blueberry and scant plum. Drink now through 2012."


"We'll also be looking into the type of hard-hitting investigative journalism-type stories that GOSH seems to find every day of the week – why aren't the big boy wine writers picking up these stories? Because there are actually TOO many stories..."


"We hope to have some of these investigative experiences fashioned in writing and on television before the October 6 election, so we can see what the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty is really up to."


The Registrar of Kwee-Fah said: "We'll address this investigative issue when the time comes: it'll make a good textbook case for our students to write-up. Just watch us. We'll be everywhere."


Syllabi will go online September 1, while registration opens August 1 at the Foxy Wine News Network's website. More details will be posted later…


Chimo! AND

Thursday, July 28, 2011

LCBO to generate new revenue strategy ahead of Oct 6 el...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by almost 5,000 happy wine drinkers every prime time hour, has just learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, has decided on yet another revenue-generation strategy to justify its existence and to bring in new dollars to the Liberal Government coffers.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


Fresh intel suggests that the "still-to-be-verified-by-hacked-voicemail-messages" strategy will supposedly involve such things as:


-selling ANY wine made in the world in the Ontario marketplace, so long as it passes the stringent lab analysis for health safety. The fee for this could rise to $5,000 per analysis per shipment.


-increasing the number of Vintages offerings, both in wines and in frequency, to accommodate the new selling rules. What is now a bi-weekly release of some 120 wines will soon become a weekly release of some 1200 wines, followed by a DAILY release in 2012, probably offering 500 new wines each day. Importers will be expected to clear and sell out their wines within 14 days, to create space for newer incoming labels. Said a spokesperson, "This should appease those scores of thousands of wine lovers who have been begging for new wines."


-requesting that wine writers either pay a Friday Casual Day donation to the LCBO or wear a suit, with white shirt and tie. Ladies must wear cocktail dresses. Newer rules, to accommodate tasting 2500 new wines a week in 2012, will be promulgated later, and may involve overnight stays which will be billed to the wine writer.


-selling advertising on the brown liquor and wine bags.


-charging wine writers $10 for every day they taste and record wine notes on their laptops in the LCBO sensory labs. The LCBO has never charged for electricity before, but recent building brown-outs have been attributed to media charging their batteries with free electricity. Said a spokesperson, "This bit of gravy has been at taxpayer expense and it must stop."


-audio broadcasting of wine commercials in LCBO stores;


-initiating Drive-Through Liquor Stores in heavily urbanized areas.


The strategy will be implemented after the Civic Holiday weekend, and should generate several millions of Liberal dollars ahead of the October 6 election.


More on this story as it happens…

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Huge rise in employment of Kwee-Fah members

The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association strongly endorses this partnership...New writing jobs are guaranteed!!!

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!
TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with
Originally, had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that had prior exclusive rights to the words "fox" and "wine". They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.
From July 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all happenings at, and will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.
In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.
Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

LCBO to charge wine writers 20 cents for each wine sample

TORONTO -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- In its infinite double quest for creating a level playing field and creating new revenue streams, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has apparently decided to DIRECTLY charge wine writers and others who receive free sample bottles of alcohol (wine, beers and spirits) for the twenty cent bottle deposit. The LCBO will soon require all agents and wineries, breweries and distilleries in Canada to inform them of the recipient of the free bottles so that the LCBO might send the recipients an invoice for the deposit.
A spokesman at the LCBO said today, "We didn't want the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to have to support wine writers by giving them the deposit for free. Some writers get a huge number of samples, and they are able to get a taxable benefit if they didn't initially pay the deposit. We don't believe in subsidizing anybody, certainly not to the detriment of the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. Fair is fair."
An industry source in the LCBO Accounting Department (and one familiar with the situation) said that the deposits on the samples given to some writers is large enough to constitute a taxable benefit. Having just gone through a battle with free perks and the like, with their employees no longer able to receive gifts, the LCBO is apparently going after similar situations in the outside world of alcohol beverage in Ontario.
But some writers feel that there is a certain element of tit for tat here.
Another well-known and respected wine writer feels that this is just another way for the LCBO to keep tabs on who is writing what and how much free wine they receive. After all, "Control" is the LCBO's middle name.
Still, the Canadian Wine Flacks and Hacks group wonders about the economic advantages. The bottle deposits must be recorded by the producer and transmitted to the LCBO, which then initiates the invoicing process. This last step costs a minimum of $25 for each invoice plus postage. At the end of the chain is the collection agency, which will probably be inevitable. It also invokes painful memories of the Green Permit book.
One wine blogger who also makes money off the ads on his website said that he might have to declare bankruptcy: "I'm totally dependent on the return deposit fee to buy food each month."
More as this story develops...

Friday, April 1, 2011

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network team found dead.

TRAWNA – (GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network Services) – The entire GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network team has died after consuming a critter wine.


Early reports show Dean Tudor, Miffed Mole, and Brett Grimsby suffered from serious wounds – resembling animal and dog scratches – that covered their bodies. Their tongues and mouths, though, were untouched. The pathologist who performed the autopsies said this inconsistency is down to the fact that the three were expert wine tasters with golden SuperTaster™ palates. Obviously the critter wines were too smooth and innocuous to make dents in their taste buds.


Colleagues said these news editors and writers had recently received threatening notes, which were addressed to them and anonymously left in the broadcast studios of the Foxy Wine News Network.


Dean Tudor had just spoken an Editorial in the studio slamming the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province which had just changed its management model from an Open Mind concept to a Face Value concept.


Brett Grimsby had just turned in his video Editorial favouring the retention of water in CellaredInCanada™ wines and the subsequent dilution of FruitWines™ in Ontario.


Miffed Mole was about to speak on how we should not allow the sale of the LCBO to private hands, even though Mayor Ford Pinto seems to be going ahead with the move.


Questions: who let the dogs out? How will this impact on wine writing in Ontario? Will the freeze on false news affect outstanding lawsuits now that the three leading principals, winners of two major SPIFFY Awards, are no longer with us?


A memorial programme will be announced shortly, in conjunction with CellaredInCanada™ wine service. Stay tuned for more PR broadsides from "Harpy Government" communications and "Ford Pinto Nation" rebuttals.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network being investigated

The CRTC plan to lift ban on false news prompts political investigation – February newspaper headline.


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The multiple award-winning GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that it is under investigation by Parliament for spreading false or misleading wine news. Its sister company, Foxy Wine News Network, is similarly being looked at.


A CRTC proposal that could make it easier to broadcast false or misleading news has prompted confusion and criticism among opposition MPs and consternation to many of the unions that represent Canadian journalists.


It has also led to allegations of interference by the Prime Minister's Office and a hastily called investigation by federal politicians.


"I don't know when I've been so pressed for details," said Dean Tudor, founder and co-owner of FauxVoixVinCuisine and Foxy Wine News Network (both are owned by GOSH Wine News Services). "This has been all so self-referential. Why now????"


A Parliamentary group has been pressing the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission for years to do something about a regulation that bans the broadcast of false or misleading news because the wording appears to contravene the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.


The commission recently announced it was proposing to change the wording of the regulation to say that it applied only in cases in which broadcasters knew the information was false or misleading and that reporting it was likely to endanger the lives, health or safety of the public.


 "We've looked everywhere to try to find out who's pushing this, and we can't find anybody," said a spokesperson for the unions. But GOSH Wine News Services has deep sources who insist that the action has been spearheaded by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in order to try to shut down the GOSH/FauxVoix/Foxy Wine News Network complex, citing issues related to the health and safety of members of the public.


One example has been the amazing success of Freggie™, the all-fruit and vegetable ICB wine which has been shown to be all too healthy, and is taking away sales from other ICBs on the shelves. As most intelligent readers know, Freggie™ does not exist except in the mind of Dean Tudor. Yet sales demand for this product continue to plague the liquor and wine stores of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.


But as an opposition spokesperson said, "We all know our Prime Minister well enough to say we don't have to be in the realm of conspiracy theory here. We can draw our conclusions and they are pretty clear."


Behind the scenes, officials say the timing is purely coincidental, the PMO had nothing to do with it, and that the CRTC simply realized it eventually had to answer the concerns of the regulatory committee.


More on this story as it happens…

Chimo! AND

Posted By Dean Tudor to FauxVoix VinCuisine at 2/27/2011 12:00:00 PM

Friday, February 18, 2011

CWHFA (Kwee-Fah) Adopts NOT

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that there has been widespread adaptation by various wine writing groups, such as the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, of the word "NOT".


Apparently, the key word NOT is now being used in Canada to mean one different concept when said in context of another concept, and that the two could be mutually exclusive but only in certain circumstances, as in "Not necessarily bilingualism, but bilingualism if necessary".


For example, it is now permissible to speak of VNOTQA wines such as the former CellaredInCanada™ or (the newly minted term) InternationalandCanadianBlends™. These are, of course, VNOTQA wines. Similarly, the new ICNOTB wines can be quite parallel to the VQA wines, and indeed will be priced as such.


The LCBO, according to "Not the Nine O'Clock News", will have to contend with its rival, the LNOTCBO, which is responsible for home made wine, (not) Fruit Wines of Ontario, and the FauxVoixVinCuisine website. Of course, the whole matter should be non-referential except for that latter sentence.


Both the LCBO, a Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-NOT (that word again!!) Province, and the LNOTCBO, A Have Province Unto Its Own, will stock the ICNOTB and VNOTQA wines together, on the same shelf.


GOSH has also learned that this use of the word NOT has been both endorsed and authorized by the Federal Government of Canada, to appear on all official documents.


Indeed, the funding grant given to Paroles Canada Words (the agency responsible for the creation and maintenance of Canadian words in play) plainly stipulates that wherever possible the words NOT and NE…PAS are to be both employed and enjoyed irrespective of actual meaning and circumstance.


More on this story as it develops……NOT

Chimo! AND

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Quee-Fah The Mother of All Wine Apps

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH reveals that the world-renowned Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association (Quee-Fah) has been developing a new wine app for mobiles.


To be called, simply, The Mother Of All Wine Apps (MOAWA), it features drop-down menus galore and a patented winnowing process via a simple question-and-answer processed routine. Suggestions can be saved and printed out.


It'll be extremely useful for spur of the moment recommendations, for scanning store shelves, for restaurant suggestions, and for wine snobs.


Version 0.9 is in beta, and will cover the following –


-detailed information on all the wine basics, including every one of the 17,000-plus wine regions of the world, every single vintage note since the 11th century for each of these regions, all of the 24,578 grape varieties grown, and terroir microclimate notes (with accompanying Google maps and Google historical maps for every 12-hour period in the history of the earth). There is also a long detailed history (with artwork) of winemaking, beginning with the Sumerians.


-detailed travel notes to each one of these 17,000-plus regions, with new regions being added daily. Notes include the usual (accommodations, food, points of interest, local wines)


-detailed descriptions of viticulture, including life in the vineyard, the cycle of the grapevine (from grape to basket), organic and biodynamic techniques, with a selection of horns.


-detailed descriptions on how to taste and appreciate wine, with material about red, white and rose wines, sparkling wines, dessert wines, fortified wines – even fruit wines! There are literally scores of millions of wine choices by taste and style (when associated with a region or a country or a meal or food choices).


-wine and music choices. MOAWA has a database of every single piece of music created since 20,000 BCE, all nicely reconciled with the wine database. There are mood and spirit relationships with the wines and the notes. You are only three touch screens away from millions of wine and music recommendations, custom tailored to your musical preferences and to the preferences of all of your friends via Facebook, MySpace, etc. Make your own "wine ringtones" from any number of eight-bar samples that are created from every single tune ever written.


-wine and literature. References are indexed to every single piece of literature, play and cinema, all cross-referenced for your convenience. Wines are listed in context of the prose so that you can begin to spout words at two touches of the screen.


-a directory to some 12.5 million wineries on this planet, complete with names and addresses, websites, capacity, grape varieties used, rated-ranking notes, names of top employees and winemakers, full tasting notes on every single commercially available wine (plus any experimental wines), tasting notes on library and earlier vintages, and tax filings. The system also has the capacity to add notes for every single vine growing in the winery's vineyard; this will be offered with MOAWA 2.0! Everything here is cross-referenced and itemized, accessible with only three screen touches!!!


-a directory of every single wine store and branch location in the world, with complete names and addresses, websites, labels and wines for sale (plus how much stock for each), rated-ranking notes, names of top employees and wine advisers, and full tasting notes on every single commercially available wine -- exclusively written by that store's staff.

[NB: For proprietary legal reasons, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (LCBO) directory is not available to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. One member of the CWHFA suggested that you could purchase MOAWA through the offshore grey market]


-a Google directory (with full analysis) to every single wine collector in the world (minimum range: 800 bottles or $15,000 appraised value), complete with a GPS location finder and a security camera to determine the whereabouts of the owner at every moment of the day.


-a directory to every single one of the 42 million hotels, restaurants, bistros and caf├ęs in the world that sell wine, with names, addresses, websites, employees, wine cards, stocks, etc. It is updated every time a bottle of wine is sold or taken from inventory. There is also a sorting capability by selling price, enabling you to see at a glance what the current restaurant price is for the wine plus local taxes and local tips (in either Canadian or US dollars plus Euros if needed). Every single wine card on the planet has been analyzed and cross-referenced to find you the best wine value in terms of what food you want to eat – no matter where you are in the world!


-a directory and finding aid for each of the 12,000 wine auction houses in the world. This will enable you to constantly check on the current status of the value of your wine collection. Prices can be sorted by 78 different parameters, including the upper limits that taxation agencies will accept for charitable donations. There is also a subset for every single charity in the world that will issue a tax receipt for a donated bottle of wine. The MOAWA has the ability to run the wine-auction database against the wine store database, your personal cellar database, and against the charity database (with reported wine donation tax receipts) in order to find you the BEST deal for your donated wine, automatically factoring in cost of shipping from your home cellar.


-suggested wine and food pairings for every single food, wine, cooking method, spicing component, and the like, that has ever been developed by mankind. You can pick through wines with meals or wines with foods, wines for every occasion in any of the 15,000 religious and government statutory (and non-statutory) holiday calendars of the entire world.

There is also a reverse lookup function via food pairings for your wine. Each food-wine match is rated on how close it comes to Nirvana; a rating of 90 means that it is 90% close, as in Perfection Salad.


-there is also a spectacular wine and cheese matching subset that is so involved and detailed that we have no space here to cover it, except to mention that every single molecule of wine and every single molecule of cheese is covered,



-a word-by-word Boolean index to every single PRINTED wine tasting note in all the major AND the minor books and periodicals ever published as regards wine. We estimate this database to contain titles of some 5,400,260 unique newsletters and magazines (not to mention the frequency of them all) and 400,000 books – guaranteed at least 4,775,000,000 (and counting) notes. This includes Parker Junior who fought the CWHFA at every turn. Join us with the "creative writing bot™": write your own wine reviews of wines you have tasted, based on our suggestions for phrases used by other reviewers! A boon to budding wine writers!!


-a detailed and comprehensive, cross-referenced word-by-word Boolean index to the 7.5 billion wine blogs on the Internet, and to email versions of wine newsletters – a resource worth the price of the app by itself.


-notes on how to build any one of 10,000 different wine cellars from scratch, with at least 1 million different wine recommendations (updated). There are also several scores of cellar management software programs to pick and choose from, including manuals and simulations.


-how to keep track of your own wine notes, backed up continuously. This edition allows you to tag and snag a label image for your personal tasting records, in addition to finding wine-food pairing notes for the table.


-a social networking feature that lets you post wine notes to Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Yuwie, Ning, MySpace, Google Buzz, Flickr, Orkut, LinkedIn, Ustream and others as necessary. In addition, you'll be able to retrieve any of the 8 billion wine notes posted by others to Facebook, etc., in any sequence of retrieval by 84 different parameters. Also, you'll be able to communicate continuously with your other MOAWA purchaser buddies and complain about deficiencies and bugs in the special MOAWA forum. This will lead nicely to MOAWA 2.0.


The DeLuxe version of MOAWA (available for just a few dollars more) will include "Sensurama"™, the technique developed by the CWHFA for smelling aromas and bouquets at a distance through your mobile. In addition, there will be full capability for photographing a wine bottle or label, at which point you can receive just about everything ever written on that particular wine within nano-seconds. Be informed!! There is also a translation function that will allow you to recall any text ever written about wine in any of some 25,000 languages and dialects, including Tagalog and Esperanto. An optional pull-out corkscrew is also available for those who are convinced that the corkscrew will not go away.



AND, of course, there is a continual stream of massive updates every second of the day, with major updates being announced by a gong. For example, every time a bottle of any wine is sold or comes off a bottling line, the winery and wine store databases are updated. Current vintage releases from every winery in the world will be available to you as it happens. Your personal preferences will also be reconciled.



And the best part of it is this: YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET for the basic flash drive module! That's right – all of this data resides in flash memory inside your mobile device. You pay just once for the basic setup data ($1.99 or $4.99 for the DeLuxe model featuring Sensuroma™, TagALabel™, TranslateWine(TM) and Corkscrew™).


Updates, though, will cost you some money – and for these updates you must be connected to the Internet.


While The Mother of All Wine Apps is still in beta testing mode, the CWHFA plans to offer the service at a flat rate of $1.99 for the basic app (as outlined above), $4.99 for the Deluxe version, and $17 a year for the continual updates.


How is all this accomplished? Two words:  CCTV and RFID.


The Treasurer of the CWHFA has gone on the record as saying that the Quee-Fah expects to rake in billions of dollars this year.


The CWHFA has hired master huckster Dan Aykroyd who has his own winery in Ontario to handle the sales….so, come on down!!!


More on this story as the MOAWA passes beta…