Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association: July 2011

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Can Wine Hacks and Flacks Association to offer MWW designation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by up to 5,000 viewers every night, is pleased to offer, in conjunction with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, the beginning of a new online-television education relationship.

Beginning in Fall 2011, CWHFA (pronounced Kwee-Fah) will be offering through Foxy Wine News Network some new Master of Wine Writing courses leading to the M.W.W. degree (Master of Wine Writing). Kwee-Fah's Registrar said that these courses would not be similar to, nor lead to a Master of Wine or a Master Sommelier designation.

"Indeed", he said, "the MWW will be sitting over the MW and the MS. For one thing, it is one letter longer. For another, the MWW is concerned with writing about the same material that the MW and MS comprises, so the MWW has a more integrative construction of base materials.

"The MWW is a communication degree posited above the MW and the MS in interpretation. We will expound and expand on MW/MS materials and we will explain and demystify wine terms and concepts. The MWW will be able to fashion a credible, readable account of wines and wine tasting without resorting to a "sweaty saddles" or "kerosene" or "petrol" type of terminology. We'll lose such phrases as "Heavy-weight almost focused dessert wine. Whispers of cedar, structured blueberry and scant plum. Drink now through 2012."

"We'll also be looking into the type of hard-hitting investigative journalism-type stories that GOSH seems to find every day of the week – why aren't the big boy wine writers picking up these stories? Because there are actually TOO many stories..."

"We hope to have some of these investigative experiences fashioned in writing and on television before the October 6 election, so we can see what the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty is really up to."

The Registrar of Kwee-Fah said: "We'll address this investigative issue when the time comes: it'll make a good textbook case for our students to write-up. Just watch us. We'll be everywhere."

Syllabi will go online September 1, while registration opens August 1 at the Foxy Wine News Network's website. More details will be posted later…

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Thursday, July 28, 2011

LCBO to generate new revenue strategy ahead of Oct 6 el...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by almost 5,000 happy wine drinkers every prime time hour, has just learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, has decided on yet another revenue-generation strategy to justify its existence and to bring in new dollars to the Liberal Government coffers.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

Fresh intel suggests that the "still-to-be-verified-by-hacked-voicemail-messages" strategy will supposedly involve such things as:

-selling ANY wine made in the world in the Ontario marketplace, so long as it passes the stringent lab analysis for health safety. The fee for this could rise to $5,000 per analysis per shipment.

-increasing the number of Vintages offerings, both in wines and in frequency, to accommodate the new selling rules. What is now a bi-weekly release of some 120 wines will soon become a weekly release of some 1200 wines, followed by a DAILY release in 2012, probably offering 500 new wines each day. Importers will be expected to clear and sell out their wines within 14 days, to create space for newer incoming labels. Said a spokesperson, "This should appease those scores of thousands of wine lovers who have been begging for new wines."

-requesting that wine writers either pay a Friday Casual Day donation to the LCBO or wear a suit, with white shirt and tie. Ladies must wear cocktail dresses. Newer rules, to accommodate tasting 2500 new wines a week in 2012, will be promulgated later, and may involve overnight stays which will be billed to the wine writer.

-selling advertising on the brown liquor and wine bags.

-charging wine writers $10 for every day they taste and record wine notes on their laptops in the LCBO sensory labs. The LCBO has never charged for electricity before, but recent building brown-outs have been attributed to media charging their batteries with free electricity. Said a spokesperson, "This bit of gravy has been at taxpayer expense and it must stop."

-audio broadcasting of wine commercials in LCBO stores;

-initiating Drive-Through Liquor Stores in heavily urbanized areas.

The strategy will be implemented after the Civic Holiday weekend, and should generate several millions of Liberal dollars ahead of the October 6 election.