April job offer at LCBO

TODAY is April 1, 2012 – also known as April Fool's Day, 2012. To me, it is the most sacred day of the year as it is the one day that I am TOTALLY serious…the rest of the year is a joke, fodder for FauxVoixVinCuisine.

 

Accordingly, I'd like to announce that I'll soon be getting a new job: Toronto Marketing Manager at the LCBO. They were "looking for a smart, creative and likeable superstar to join our marketing team. As a Marketing Manager, you will lead the strategic and creative development of in-store promotions and multi-media advertising designed to promote LCBO products, generate increased store traffic and sales, and deliver an engaging customer experience."

 

They like me for my "Superb verbal and written communication skills to effectively manage staff, direct agencies, designers, photographers and copy writers, and to deliver briefings and presentations." As well as my "Strong creative eye and the ability to produce beautifully designed and compelling communication pieces."

 

But first, I need to "Develop strategic marketing plans based on research and analysis, consumer insights, and trends that deliver measurable sales results and customer engagement."

 

With my contacts Brett Grimsby and Miffed Mole, I can "Plan, create and implement highly engaging promotions that highlight LCBO as a world-class retailer of beverage alcohol products, a destination for entertaining inspiration and a friendly and approachable source for product knowledge." I can also "Plan, develop and execute in-store POP, merchandising, brochures, free-standing inserts, ROP, radio, out-of-home, TV, and digital communications."

 

Once I start this job, I'll honourably resign as Treasurer and Member of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada (conflict-of-interest by-laws), but, of course, after I transfer the several hundred thousand dollars in the Treasurer's account over to my offshore interests…

 

So:  there will be plenty of gravy available for my fellow WWCC cohorts and colleagues. I'll be calling on you to help supply me with ideas and copy, for which I will pay and for which you will receive credit. I'm looking forward to it all. And you know what? There's probably an app for this job…I'm just sayin'…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

HoseMaster of Wine

The Hosemaster is back!!  The funniest wine blog on the Internet (after my own FauxVoixVinCuisine, of course)...Take a look..it is compelling!!

 

http://hosemasterofwine.blogspot.com/

PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.

 

And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to Ontario.

 

Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.

 

In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.

 

Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

 

More on this impending disaster as it happens…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.

 

Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.

 

One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.

 

Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"

 

The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.

 

"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this Great Province. The critics need to get on board during this time of economic recovery," said the Corporation.

 

The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."

 

More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be  a Wine Writer….

 

MWW I topics will include:

 

– how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- hoe to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;

 

The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

 
Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Can Wine Hacks and Flacks Association to offer MWW designation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by up to 5,000 viewers every night, is pleased to offer, in conjunction with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, the beginning of a new online-television education relationship.

 

Beginning in Fall 2011, CWHFA (pronounced Kwee-Fah) will be offering through Foxy Wine News Network some new Master of Wine Writing courses leading to the M.W.W. degree (Master of Wine Writing). Kwee-Fah's Registrar said that these courses would not be similar to, nor lead to a Master of Wine or a Master Sommelier designation.

 

"Indeed", he said, "the MWW will be sitting over the MW and the MS. For one thing, it is one letter longer. For another, the MWW is concerned with writing about the same material that the MW and MS comprises, so the MWW has a more integrative construction of base materials.

 

"The MWW is a communication degree posited above the MW and the MS in interpretation. We will expound and expand on MW/MS materials and we will explain and demystify wine terms and concepts. The MWW will be able to fashion a credible, readable account of wines and wine tasting without resorting to a "sweaty saddles" or "kerosene" or "petrol" type of terminology. We'll lose such phrases as "Heavy-weight almost focused dessert wine. Whispers of cedar, structured blueberry and scant plum. Drink now through 2012."

 

"We'll also be looking into the type of hard-hitting investigative journalism-type stories that GOSH seems to find every day of the week – why aren't the big boy wine writers picking up these stories? Because there are actually TOO many stories..."

 

"We hope to have some of these investigative experiences fashioned in writing and on television before the October 6 election, so we can see what the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty is really up to."

 

The Registrar of Kwee-Fah said: "We'll address this investigative issue when the time comes: it'll make a good textbook case for our students to write-up. Just watch us. We'll be everywhere."

 

Syllabi will go online September 1, while registration opens August 1 at the Foxy Wine News Network's website. More details will be posted later…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to generate new revenue strategy ahead of Oct 6 el...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by almost 5,000 happy wine drinkers every prime time hour, has just learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, has decided on yet another revenue-generation strategy to justify its existence and to bring in new dollars to the Liberal Government coffers.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Fresh intel suggests that the "still-to-be-verified-by-hacked-voicemail-messages" strategy will supposedly involve such things as:

 

-selling ANY wine made in the world in the Ontario marketplace, so long as it passes the stringent lab analysis for health safety. The fee for this could rise to $5,000 per analysis per shipment.

 

-increasing the number of Vintages offerings, both in wines and in frequency, to accommodate the new selling rules. What is now a bi-weekly release of some 120 wines will soon become a weekly release of some 1200 wines, followed by a DAILY release in 2012, probably offering 500 new wines each day. Importers will be expected to clear and sell out their wines within 14 days, to create space for newer incoming labels. Said a spokesperson, "This should appease those scores of thousands of wine lovers who have been begging for new wines."

 

-requesting that wine writers either pay a Friday Casual Day donation to the LCBO or wear a suit, with white shirt and tie. Ladies must wear cocktail dresses. Newer rules, to accommodate tasting 2500 new wines a week in 2012, will be promulgated later, and may involve overnight stays which will be billed to the wine writer.

 

-selling advertising on the brown liquor and wine bags.

 

-charging wine writers $10 for every day they taste and record wine notes on their laptops in the LCBO sensory labs. The LCBO has never charged for electricity before, but recent building brown-outs have been attributed to media charging their batteries with free electricity. Said a spokesperson, "This bit of gravy has been at taxpayer expense and it must stop."

 

-audio broadcasting of wine commercials in LCBO stores;

 

-initiating Drive-Through Liquor Stores in heavily urbanized areas.

 

The strategy will be implemented after the Civic Holiday weekend, and should generate several millions of Liberal dollars ahead of the October 6 election.

 

More on this story as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Huge rise in employment of Kwee-Fah members

The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association strongly endorses this partnership...New writing jobs are guaranteed!!!

 

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!

 

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with Winefox.ca.

 

Originally, Winefox.ca had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that Winefox.ca had prior exclusive rights to the words "fox" and "wine". They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that Winefox.ca is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, Winefox.ca has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.

 

From July 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all happenings at Winefox.ca, and Winefox.ca will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.

 

In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.

 

Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

LCBO to charge wine writers 20 cents for each wine sample

TORONTO -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- In its infinite double quest for creating a level playing field and creating new revenue streams, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has apparently decided to DIRECTLY charge wine writers and others who receive free sample bottles of alcohol (wine, beers and spirits) for the twenty cent bottle deposit. The LCBO will soon require all agents and wineries, breweries and distilleries in Canada to inform them of the recipient of the free bottles so that the LCBO might send the recipients an invoice for the deposit.

 

A spokesman at the LCBO said today, "We didn't want the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to have to support wine writers by giving them the deposit for free. Some writers get a huge number of samples, and they are able to get a taxable benefit if they didn't initially pay the deposit. We don't believe in subsidizing anybody, certainly not to the detriment of the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. Fair is fair."

 

An industry source in the LCBO Accounting Department (and one familiar with the situation) said that the deposits on the samples given to some writers is large enough to constitute a taxable benefit. Having just gone through a battle with free perks and the like, with their employees no longer able to receive gifts, the LCBO is apparently going after similar situations in the outside world of alcohol beverage in Ontario.

 

But some writers feel that there is a certain element of tit for tat here.

 

Another well-known and respected wine writer feels that this is just another way for the LCBO to keep tabs on who is writing what and how much free wine they receive. After all, "Control" is the LCBO's middle name.

 

Still, the Canadian Wine Flacks and Hacks group wonders about the economic advantages. The bottle deposits must be recorded by the producer and transmitted to the LCBO, which then initiates the invoicing process. This last step costs a minimum of $25 for each invoice plus postage. At the end of the chain is the collection agency, which will probably be inevitable. It also invokes painful memories of the Green Permit book.

 

One wine blogger who also makes money off the ads on his website said that he might have to declare bankruptcy: "I'm totally dependent on the return deposit fee to buy food each month."

 

More as this story develops...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network team found dead.

TRAWNA – (GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network Services) – The entire GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network team has died after consuming a critter wine.

 

Early reports show Dean Tudor, Miffed Mole, and Brett Grimsby suffered from serious wounds – resembling animal and dog scratches – that covered their bodies. Their tongues and mouths, though, were untouched. The pathologist who performed the autopsies said this inconsistency is down to the fact that the three were expert wine tasters with golden SuperTaster™ palates. Obviously the critter wines were too smooth and innocuous to make dents in their taste buds.

 

Colleagues said these news editors and writers had recently received threatening notes, which were addressed to them and anonymously left in the broadcast studios of the Foxy Wine News Network.

 

Dean Tudor had just spoken an Editorial in the studio slamming the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province which had just changed its management model from an Open Mind concept to a Face Value concept.

 

Brett Grimsby had just turned in his video Editorial favouring the retention of water in CellaredInCanada™ wines and the subsequent dilution of FruitWines™ in Ontario.

 

Miffed Mole was about to speak on how we should not allow the sale of the LCBO to private hands, even though Mayor Ford Pinto seems to be going ahead with the move.

 

Questions: who let the dogs out? How will this impact on wine writing in Ontario? Will the freeze on false news affect outstanding lawsuits now that the three leading principals, winners of two major SPIFFY Awards, are no longer with us?

 

A memorial programme will be announced shortly, in conjunction with CellaredInCanada™ wine service. Stay tuned for more PR broadsides from "Harpy Government" communications and "Ford Pinto Nation" rebuttals.

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com